Dealing with it

After a 3 year relationship went up in flames there was only one thing I needed to do: deal with it.

The day she dumped me was tough. I sat at the kitchen table of our tiny studio apartment with my college work in my lap and tears streaming down my face. She sat there looking at me apologetically and hoping that I wouldn't crumble into a thousand pieces right there in the kitchen. I wasn't sure if I would or not.

She left me for a guy. Not that she'd ever admit that but everyone knows it to be true. About 2 months previous to this she cheated on me with him and everyday from then on I had to sit in rehearsals and watch them together. Laughing, cuddling and enjoying each others company. They were going away together that summer and pretty much the only thing standing in the way of their happily ever after was me.

Somehow I managed to not only live with her for 3 months after our breakup, but become tollerant of her and slowly that tollerance because fondness and grew back to friendship. Why? Because I dealt with it.
We were forced to put our drama aside and deal with the bigger issues.
While living with her I fell into such a deep state of depression I had to switch myself off. Once the summer came and went though, I learned some life lessons that I will carry with me always.

The most important lesson for me was: people do shitty things, but that doesn't make them shitty people. Even though they both did some awful things to me, I had to keep reminding myself that it only hurts this bad now and some day soon I won't care at all. The thought of them still leaves me seething with anger and feeling like I'm going to explode with tears, but I can deal with it because I thought myself that I don't need to pine or morn over a relationship that made me unhappy.

When I think back to my final year of college all I can see is a black hole of misery. I can't remember ever laughing or enjoying myself. I can't remember ever feeling wanted or loved. I can't remember her ever making me happy just because she wanted to. I remember crying, anxiety attacks, worrying and a whole load of sleepless nights. Why would I ever morn that?! Why would I ever want that back?

People say that when a relationship ends it's best to cut all ties, but personally I think there's a lot to be learned by saying "Its okay that you don't love me anymore, cause I deserve someone who can love me better!" And get on with your life. I dealt with it and now I don't feel like I lost a huge part of my life, she's right there if I need her, but I can move on and forget all the crap that relationship put me through and enjoy the friendship that was there before and was developed during. 

I deserve the Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart definition of love. As long as you know that, you can get through any break up. And in the end, she regrets not treating me right but I have no regrets at all.